Why Girls Should Never Play Fantasy Football

If you can’t beat em, join em. Fantasy Football and I were frenemies this last year. I started dating John toward the beginning of the season and if Fantasy Football were another woman I would’ve fought her SO HARD (just kidding, I’m not really all that violent or jealous, but I would’ve given her dirty looks and/or set her up with ALL my straight guy friends til she could BACK UP OFF MY MAN)..  but John like REALLY likes it. Sunday Fun Days. I’m talking happiness flowing from his pores.. and tears flowing from his eyes when things go wrong.

That’s a great segway.

So this year, Genoa decided to have an all female fantasy football league. I was stokedddd. I may hate that John spends SO MUCH TIME on his phone, checking scores, getting up early to check players, missing church for games.. but now I can be a part of it! And like, be cool? Or something? Deep down I just want to be cool. So voila, the Tough Tatas begin and John is OBSESSED with making sure we were prepped. Sent PAGES of text messages to Genoa making sure we have the right maximums and minimums and hair ribbons.. Wait, that’s wrong. But anyway, he was more into this than I was, which is saying a lot because I was SO EXCITED.

AND! I got first pick. Adrian Peterson, here I come. Whoever that is. GOING TO DOMINATE.

John’s in school, RUSHING home to make sure I get all the right peeps. All I have to is draft freaking AP.

I find him, put him in my queue, wait for the count down.

I search him again, find him again, poised to press “Draft Player”. Dun, dun dun….

It’s done!!!


Idk, but when I searched Adrian again, I accidentally clicked WHO EVER THE HECK ADRIAN ROBINSON IS.

Screams. Disbelief. I called one of John’s best friends, my back up helper, and he’s like “Yeahhhh. I’ve never heard of Robison ever.” And Peterson goes almost immediately. FML.

Call John. Told him. He lets me know ever so nicely that I am definitely going to lose this year.

TEARS. Lots of tears. My roommate tells me that Fantasy Football is a first world problem. WELL A FIRST WORLD PROBLEM THAT IS RUINING MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

I cried to sleep. I woke up and realized that it’s actually quite funny… errr, that’s a lie, I didn’t get over the feeling that I SUCK AT LIFE until about halfway through the day when I realized “Hmm.. my life isn’t actually all that affected by a FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE.”

Until today when AP ran 78 yards for a touch down like first play of the game or something.

Screw you, AP. Reggie Bush for life.