Things Tinder Has Taught Me

I’ve been single a whopping five days. In those five days I have done amazing things: I have been out dancing til 1 am like I’m in college, joined a women’s fitness group, and begun a huge career move. I’ve also joined Tinder.

Now, for those of you who don’t know what Tinder is… Google it. Pictures pop up of people in a certain radius of you and you say you like or you dislike them- anonymously. If you and that person like each other, then you get a match and it dings you and gives you an opportunity to chat with them.

I’ve said no to.. like errybody. Because I’m racist? And everyone on there is a blonde frat boy showing me pictures of their abs (which is fine..) and their beers. OR THEIR GIRLFRIENDS. Cool, dude. I’m also agist. Just changed my settings to 23 and above. 21 year olds make me feel old.

Tinder is nothing more than real life on an app. I see you, I like you or I dislike you, I go on my merry way.

But I have put some thought into this process and I’ve discovered some interesting things.

Overall, I consider myself a pretty good girl. Yes, I like to dance and I say the occasional s word and I have nice abs and like to show them off.. but overallllll I’m on the more conservative side. So coming from a girl you can actually take home to your mother, let me give you some pointers on what pictures NOT to put on your Tinder:

Disclaimer: If you’re using Tinder for its intended purposes, then rock on and disregard everything I’m saying.

  1. Pics of you & your cigarette. Let’s at least pretend you’re smart enough to know it’s bad for you.
  2. You and your child. Cute, but not attractive. And I want to be attracted to you.
  3. A picture of you with your face all screwed up. WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE?!
  4. A picture of you and your girlfriend. I’m still so confused.
  5. A million pictures of you half naked. One is fine, and I dare say necessary, but if that’s all you got… then I’m thinking that’s all you got.
  6. A picture of you and your mom. I think this might be trying a littllleeee too hard.
  7. Your high school senior picture.
  8. A picture of you on a boat with 8 bikini clad girls. I’m not jealous, I’m thinking you’re a man whore. Or gay.
  9. A picture of you holding up a frat/gang sign next to other similarly looking frat brothers/gangsters who are all doing the same thing.
  10. Pics of you exclusively with alcohol. Let’s pretend you have other hobbies.
  11. A picture of you upside down on your skateboard, on a four wheeler with a helmet, or underwater. Cool you DO have other hobbies! But this is an app based on looks. WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE?!

But it’s more than the pictures. You get to say a little blurb about yourself and even give more contact info if you are into people stalking you. It’s a thing, I think.

Actual tag lines that don’t work:

1. “Sit on my face and I will eat my way to your heart”

I can’t even keep going with this list.

Tag lines that may actually work:

1. “We won’t tell anyone how we met.” Let’s both be ashamed of it, great idea.

2. “Don’t judge me by what I say, judge me on how I look.” Honesty is the best policy here.

3. Something about just meeting new people. Makes me feel less skeezy.

4. A Bible verse. Yeah, I said it. You wanna meet random hotties and love Jesus. I’m there with you.

 

Also, if I know you or recognize you, immediate dislike and only liking you if I’m trying to be funny.

Accidentally liking somebody I actually know would be SO EMBARRASSING.

I think this Tinder thing is not for me.

Guess I’ll have to go traditional and like, meet people at the bars or something.

I’m going to be single forever.