Crap I Do When I'm At Home

I don't come "home home" very often. I mean, I live in Paradise, and my parents live in... Lemoore. Which is only called Lemoore because the name Hell was already taken. But I'm still petitioning for it to be renamed. It's looking good. But this weekend, I made the trek.

The weather wasn't actually God awful, which was a miracle, but there was a freaking DUST STORM. Who has dust storms? I feel like dust storms were only allowed during the Great Depression. The economy is rising (is that true? Or did I make that up?) so I feel like the dust needs to get with it and just settle down.

Anyway, I love my dear parents and here they live. I get to escape from SLO, hang out with the fam bam, and do a bunch of stuff I never do. That sounds adventurous.. but it really looks more like this:

Things I do when I'm at home and never anywhere else:

1. Watch TV.  Cable. A freaking blessing and a curse, man. There are so many cool TV shows! In SLO, I am blissfully ignorant. But in Lemoore, it is not so. My parents LOVE home improvement shows, like House Hunters International and Leave It or List It. Then there's all those cool ones about surviving naked in the wilderness (I don't know why I called those cool, they're more interestingggg than cool), and ones about people who build tree houses professionally. ADDICTED. OBSESSED. Who knew I loved tree houses so much? It's a whole new world, sonny boy, that television.

2. Laundry. I live in the PERFECT spot in SLO two blocks from downtown: Starbucks, the book store, the movie theatre, the post office, like right there. The washer & dryer though? Oh, those! Six blocks away. Wayyyyy too far for me to drag all my laundry! And then pay for it! And leave it! So what do I do? I wait 3 months, then I take ALL MY LAUNDRY IVE EVER OWNED EVER IN THE WORLD and fill up my whole car and drive two hours and spend ALL WEEKEND doing laundry at my parents house. This only happens once every 3 months so I feel like it's justified. And sometimes my mom helps me fold so I feel this is extra worth it.

4. Spend a ton of money. My mom hates shopping alone, because she's a girl and no girl likes shopping alone, so we always go shopping when I'm in town. It happens EVERY SINGLE TIME that we go to Target for some new slacks for my mom, I end up spending $250 on cardigans and like God KNOWS what else. I bought an $8 basket to put my books in? Effing Target. And being with my mom makes me feel like I'm not actually spending myyy money. I don't actually consciously think she'll pay for it, but am always shocked when I get to the cash register and the woman is like "Are these together?" and my mom's like "Nope! Just these two inexpensive items are mine, the rest of those $20 camisoles and $30 thingamobobs, all my 24 year old daughter's who has a job and is independent and can pay for it herself." Effmylife.

5. Wear zero make up, don't shower, wear my mom's clothes and go out in public this way. Maybe I think that this town saw me in high school, when I was ugly, had braces, dyed my hair black and occasionally wore it in CORN ROWS. They can handle me without make up, for sure for sure. I have no idea why I don't shower when I'm there. It just happens. And why I wear my mom's clothes? Because all mine are in the laundry, duh.

6. Yard work. This weekend I told a friend I was watering the lawn and he thought it was a metaphor. I don't exactly know what the hell that would mean metaphorically, but I was like "No, you profound idiot, I'm watering the actual lawn. Like with a hose in front of my house." It took me like 5 minutes but I want the record to show that I did it. Quota for the year of manual labor has been reached, and frankly, almost exceeded.

7. Eat COMPLETE crap. I don't know if I think it doesn't count if I eat an entire box of Halloween Oreos in SLO or what. But all I know is that I NEVER buy myself the crap my parents buy me. Really, it's because my mom loves me and she just wants me to be happy. And she knows that being Paleo may keep me energized and fuel my six pack abs, but that Oreos are what TRULY make me happy. I love you, Mom.

8. See my sister. Homegirl likes to stay posted up in Lemoore with her peeps. (I also talk weird when I come back from Lemoore.) She did come see me last weekend in SLO, which was fabulous, but usually I only see her when I come to the 559. She occasionally blesses me with her presence during my visits. She comes, she cooks, she leaves. It's a great relationship. Sometimes I'm like "Stay! Talk to me!" and then it always turns into "Talk to me and help me fold laundry!", "Talk to me and help me clean out my car!", "Talk to me and water the lawn so I don't have to!" and she's like yeah I have a life, love you lots, muah mush, peace out, I'm dippin. Like she actually says that.

9. Forget all my problems. On the real, I love going home when life isn't perfect. My dad is, like, super funny. Wildly inappropriate, basically all the time, but nonetheless very funny. When I had my dreaded dental emergency, I called him in-between gasps of tears and sobs and he said "Honey it's fine, just get an ice skate and knock the thing out!". My mom is an expert distractor. There is always something to do. Oh, don't want to think about your break up, honey? Great, let's water the lawn (for 5 minutes), organize papers, feed chickens, go grocery shopping, return clothes, make Christmas presents in September, repaint the whole house! She is a go-er. And my sister is pretty, and she shares my genetics, so I like to look at her. And hanging out with people you have loved and will love forever is very grounding. My life is the most inconsistent thing I've ever known, and I'm getting to the age where I realize that family is what counts because it's what lasts.

But for real if I loved my family any less and they lived in Lemoore I would NEVER go home. The sacrifices I make!

p.s. This is Allie on the roof of my parents house (yeah she climbed up in a dress! Go girl!) two and a half years ago :) My dad put a chicken in her lap and she just rolled with it. I gotsta find that pic!Image