Just in case you thought this year would be the year. Just in case you're so worried marriage may attack you this year that you're considering moving to Canada and living in a basement. Don't worry, it's safe to go outside. But only if you take these 15 precautions to avoid getting married this year.
Take it from me, since I have somehow managed to not get married every year of my whole life.
1. Break up with your boyfriend.
2. Be friends with your ex boyfriend.
3. Don't delete the photos of you and your ex-boyfriend from Instagram. Or from Facebook.
4. Go on 3 girls trips a month where no boys are allowed.
5. Devote yourself to the entire seasons of New Girl and The Mindy Project.
6. Go to the bars every weekend, but refuse to date anyone who drinks alcohol.
7. Attend a church where everyone is married and/or over 45.
8. Wear a fake wedding ring.
9. Go to all girls yoga classes.
10. Decline every house party invite.
11. Wear long sweaters that hide your best asset.
12. Post tons of photos of you and your "new boyfriend", who is actually just your gay best friend.
13. Live in a town where everyone is either under 22 or over 40. And be 25.
14. Resist online dating & refuse to be set up.
15. Never give out your phone number.
16. Ask "Do you love Jesus?" as soon as a boy introduces himself to you, and then if he says no, let him know he is friend zoned immediately.
17. Just say no to everyone, anywhere, anytime.
These measures are only 99% effective, so be careful. But, I will tell you, they've worked for me.
Tons of love,