What It's Like To Date A Beard

I realize that “Beard” has a few different connotations. But it’s 2014 and actual beards are trendy and gay men hopefully don’t feel the need to date women anymore. Once, my best friend (who is gay) told me “Boo boo I just can’t see how men would be attracted to you. You’re just so soft.”... Well, thank you CJ.

Turns out at least one man is attracted to me, and this man has a beard. I’m sorry, this man has the beard. It’s been a whole different experience dating this bearded man than it was dating the 5 o’clock shadowed man. Really spices things up, ya know.

In case your man has decided to start the epic journey of beardhood, or in case you are considering pursuing a handsome lumbersexual, here are some things you can expect.

People will start calling him “sir”. As you can probably tell, he hasn’t been carded since he was 14. But now, respect has moved past not requiring you to prove your age, to somehow deeming you a British nobleman.

Him: “Can I get a number two?” Waiter: “Yes, sir, yes you can, sir, would you like cheese on that, sir?”…

It’s just a beard, not a sword, please stop quivering, good LORD.

People will try to calculate the age difference between you. Well, I’m actually 4 days older than him if you must know. But I look 16 and he now looks a respectable 43 and since we are definitely not of the same ethnicity, people are always trying to figure out our relationship. Until we kiss- then people are like WTF IS GOING ON.

You pity all other men’s attempts to grow one. Ohhh, your wittle peach fuzz just looks so manly, doesn’t it? You say this in a baby voice and you may also scratch their chins or pinch their cheeks.

You start measuring time in terms of beard length. No… but you didn’t have a beard? So it couldn’t have been in the last six months? It was definitely bigger in this picture, this must have been taken after this one…

Kissing is an experience. It’s like a game. Where are the lips? Ope! They’re they are! Behind a freaking fortress of hair. And it also does not scratch. At all. You know what does scratch? Scruff. 5 o’clock shadows. Kissing the beard though is a lovely experience. I feel sad for all semi shaven men’s girlfriends out there, who are continuously irritated and reddened due to the poky little hairs of their men’s semi beards. I hope one day you get to experience the lips of a man with a plush beard. Except mine, back the beep up.

Women will want to touch his beard. “Please back away from my beard.” They will show him pictures of their fathers, who also have beards. (My dad also has eyeballs. Do I just show people with eyeballs pictures of my dad’s eyeballs? GET OFF MY MAN.) They will giggle and ask to touch it and you stand two seconds away DARING her to get any closer.

And if they don’t want to touch his beard- “You have something against my man’s beard?” Touch it! No really! It’s really soft!!

… You will also make them smell it. That thing smells AMAZING. Like cinnamon honey butter- I.am.not.joking. And if people aren’t like “WOW!” when I make them stick their nose in it, I tell them “No you must’ve not smelt it enough, just stick your nose in there a little deeper…” and then I manually shove their face in. Just picture this for a second. It’s quite hilarious.

Men want to talk to him all the time. You basically no longer exist. All those years you were trying to get attention from men? Just grow a beard. (Never take my advice please.) Once upon a time, when a man got that excited look on his face it was beause I am a beautiful stunning woman. (When that time was, I don’t know, but we can pretend.) BUT NOWWW. Good Heavens. There is not ONE MAN ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET who does not say something to express their envy, respect, or Biblical approval (for real) of his beard. Strangers, men from across the street, men who pass him and then remark on it once they’ve had a few second looks. Waiters, cashiers, clergymen… John has never had so many new friends.

The only attention you do get is “Do you like it?” And even multiple times by the same people.

Yes. Yes I like it. Yes! I love it! Yes! It’s so soft! Yes! Isn’t he handsome! Yes! He loves it, I love it! Yes! Makes him look so rugged! Yes! HOW MANY WAYS CAN I ANSWER THE SAME QUESTION WITH THE SAME ANSWER.

Your Instagram comments are OFF THE HOOK- and are all his friends’ comments about his beard. I just ignore my Instagram after I post a picture of us. Then I read the 32 comments later about his friends taunting him to shave it, him responding that they are jealous.

And then, if they are gracious, the occasional after thought:

Thank you, Ryan.

You stress about what hashtag you’re going to use when he doesn’t have the beard anymore. Curently #asiaandthebeard is going strong. When he shaves it what am I going to do? #asiaandthecleanshavenman ?   #asiaandformerlyknownasthebeard ? #asiaandthe5oclockshadow? Ya know it just doesn’t have the same ring to it. I’m stressin.

You have sincerely forgotten what he looks like without it. You remember that he must have been attractive, because you did start dating him without one. But you can’t imagine how he could be so attractive with a beard and without one. It’s like you’re dating two men. It’s actually kind of fun…

You start picturing your babies with beards. But they will be so cute with little beards won’t they?

Long story short, I love the beard.

#asiaandthebeard have been together for over 2 years now, through thick and thin. (Get it?)