The Solution To All Your Problems: Get A Retainer

Want to look younger? Get a retainer. Takes ten years off, minimum.

Want to lose weight? Get a retainer. You can’t eat anything without pulling the thing out, slobber and all, in public, then placing it down somewhere unsanitary. Therefore you never pull it out and you never eat. You in fact starve. I’m so hungry.

Want to ward off males? Get a retainer. John: “Aren’t you glad you already have a boyfriend?”

Want to get cheap movie tickets? Get a retainer. Back to the ten years off your age thing. I was 25 three seconds ago, but now I am 12 aka a child aka $6.00 movie tickets.

 Want to have straight teeth? Get a retainer. Duh.

Asia Croson is a leading expert in retainerhood, as she has had one for 2 weeks at time of publication. She wore one for 5 years before it was stolen in the Czech Republic in 2011. She has recently paid the low price of $275.00 to gain all the benefits outlined above and has never been happier. If you, too, would like to enjoy the retainer experience and all that it has to offer, please contact your local orthodontist or knock your teeth out.