How To Never Become a Regular & Remain Largely Unnoticed So People Don’t Talk To You At Coffee Shops & You Can Actually Get Work Done

On this epic blogging quest I am on, I have been forced to experiment with different spaces to focus. And I say forced because anytime I have to go somewhere that’s not Starbucks, I have to use the word forced.

When I started committing to blogging, I was so confident. I was like, I am going to blog at Starbucks every single day, where I’m already a regular and everybody knows me and I love my drink and I’ve got a routine and everything’s happy and great in community and butterflies and rainbows and my coffee gets to delivered to my table and the baristas are genuinely concerned about my water consumption, so they upgrade my free water size every time, and it's two blocks from my house and I LOVE MY WHOLE LIFE!

Don’t get me wrong, this is fabulous. But let me tell you what is not fabulous.
A GIRL CAN NEVER GET WORK DONE like that.

It’s like saying “You know what I should do?! I should go to my best friend's house who lives with all of my other friends, where people love to swing by all the time & say hi & hang out & THAT IS WHERE I WILL GET MY BEST WORK DONE FOR SURE.” Uhhhhhhh. That make no sense.

So, here I am, at Black Horse on LOVR, where I have been ten times in the last two weeks, just trying to blend in. Trying not to be too friendly or too “regular”. And I think I am doing like a pretty decent job but this is not easy, you guys.

So, in case you are ever in a similarly dire situation, here is how I think you could succeed in becoming epically non-regular. I mean like normal non regular. 

The key is to be inconsistent:

1. Never order the same drink. Like you have to get wild. Sometimes iced, sometimes hot, sometimes totally throw them off and ask them what’s in a drink that you’ve had three times like you have never even been here and you don’t even know. I did that today. The cashier was explaining Eric’s Special to me, because I asked, and the other barista who I am sure has made this drink for me a dozen times before looked at me for .02 seconds and I was like “YOU AINT SEEN NOTHIN YOU AINT HEARD NOTHIN.” (This is a quote from Save The Last Dance, which I just watched yesterday, if you missed that reference.)

2. Never sit in the same place.

3. If you’re dedicated, park in a different place.

4. Don’t be extra friendly.

5. But don’t be like extra not friendly, because then you will be the regular that is just not friendly. And the goal is to not be a crappy regular, it’s to NOT be a regular. So, you just gotta switch it up.

6. Come at different times of the day.

And to be unapproachable:

7. Eliminate all of the reasons to interact with humans. The truth is, you are a regular, but you can’t let anybody else know. So, you have to know where everything is, the bathroom code, the wifi password, the straws, everything, so you never have to ask and potentially open up a window for conversation. SHUT IT DOWN.

8. Sit facing the window so you see no people. And sit away from the baristas.

9. Be completely engaged in your work. And if not then just start typing something so you look like you’re doing something. But you should definitely be doing something, otherwise why are you not at Starbucks. Remember the mission.

10. Come to the coffee shop completely charged, so you don’t have to sit in the high-traffic part of the coffee shop, aka the only corner in the whole shop with outlets. Then it gives people a chance to talk to you with like “Oh can I plug in here, sit next to you, talk to you and never let you get work done?” and NO. THAT IS AGAINST THE RULES.

11. Wear headphones. But don’t feel pressure to listen to music but you have to train yourself to ignore sounds that would make other people turn. This is not a game.

12. Don’t EVER drop in when you are not working. If you just casually drop in for an Eric's Special on a hot summer day and give these people any hint that you aren’t SUPER FOCUSED AT ALL TIMES then they will JUMP ON YOU with kindness and small talk and there you go. All your hard work ruined.

13. Definitely do not sneeze. Those "Bless You's" are like gateway drugs to time wasting conversation for friendly people.

14. If someone starts talking to you, speak French. This is a great excuse to practice French, now that I think about it.

15. Never, and I mean never, call the baristas by name.

16. And do not say bye to them when you are leaving either.

17. If you see somebody you know, abandon ship. Just run.

Inconsistent and unapproachable. Say it with me now.

Inconsistent and unapproachable. Inconsistent and unapproachable. Inconsistent and unapproachable. Inconsistent and unapproachable.

AND MY GOODNESS STOP BEING SO ADORABLE. Don't ever come adorable because people always want to talk to adorable people. And interesting people. So for Pete's sake DON'T BE ADORABLE OR INTERESTING. 

K great, good work.