My mom has breast cancer, let's just start with that. I find that I handle things INCREDIBLY well, totally something I pride myself on, but there's nothing like hearing CANCER. And then there's surgeries, surgery complications, bruises and stitches and then when that's all over, there's chemo. We didn't even know there would be chemo. There's lymphedema bracelets and pink ribbon attire, wigs and scarves in preparation for the inevitable, there's my mom's undying appreciation that I cleaned the microwave because she's too sick to do it herself. There's seeing where I get my unwaveable faith- from my mom who has been so positive and faithful, but who is also being shaken by how hard the next six months is going to be. There's my dad who's holding it together, and my sister who.. is doing her best. There's coping with the realization that I do not have the emotional capacity to know how to handle my mom having freaking CANCER. It's the guilt for sitting in a coffee shop and writing this blog post instead of being home with her. It's trying to juggle editing four weddings after my computer crashed and trying NOT to use the excuse "Oh hey, my mom has breast cancer and my computer crashed, so this is going to take a little longer than I thought." It's knowing that other people, even very very close friends, are going through the same thing but even harder and it's looking at them like how does this work. What's lymphedema. Why can't you floss during chemo. Should I be there during chemo, right after, right before? Does it hurt? Does it help? What can I do?
So things are a bit tough right now.
Not just because my computer completely crashed (don't worry, no files were lost, just A LOT OF work I had done on them), not just because my phone crashed four times, or that one of my lenses broke, or that my dad broke his foot, my grandma came down to take care of them and then her dog died so she went home early, not just because we are trying to find a new place to live which seems to be impossible downtown SLO, not just because I'm up in my eyeballs in editing weddings, sororities, or that I'm about to enter the busiest weeks of the year with Fall Photo Off and I'm so behind, but things are hard because when I'm not with my mom, thinking about my mom, talking about my mom, just realizing that OH MY GOD WHY ARE THERE SO MANY THINGS OUT OF MY CONTROL THAT I JUST CANNOT PROCESS AS A HUMAN is, just, rough.
I love you SO MUCH, my kindest and most supportive clients and friends and readers and everything, my Snap friends who have been saying such kind words with all the heart emojis and good vibes. I'm really good at looking like I have my shit together and am just prancing around weaving and vacationing and drinking coffee, and I'm definitely pulling it together, but it's gonna be a long haul.
So I'm asking for your grace.
And your prayers, and to get checked, because the only reason my mom caught it early is because she checked herself and told the doctors "I really think something's not right." So get checked. Seriously.
Anddd I don't think I need any more confessions after that, do I?
And here's my mom, she's so pretty <3